Sleep...

I didn't sleep well last night.  I sometimes will feel anxious and it kind of winds me up so that even though I'm feeling real tired, my mind won't shut off and I feel as if I'm sitting on the edge of my seat with the need to jump up and do something, anything.  That's plagued me for a very long time.  But, lately, it's happening a lot more.  I suppose I can't be blamed with all on my plate.  That being said, there are people out there who have more troubles than I do and for which I'm grateful that I don't have to face.  Like how I can put food in my child's belly or worrying whether or not a bomb will drop on my house at any time or if someone is going to decide to blow themselves up as I'm sitting in a cafe having my lunch.  I'm sure there are plenty of things out there that are bigger than my worries..but it doesn't take them away.  I am not going to feel guilty on top of everything else because I don't have the worries that some others face that I've never faced and God willing, will never face in my lifetime. I just.  I just don't know, sometimes, how I'm going to get through all this.  I know I can; I've dealt with issues before.  I think I've said before; this is different.  We are fighting for my husband's life here.  I don't have anyone to plead with though.  Other than God in my prayers.  Please, please...don't take Andy away from me.  Please, God, allow him to get through this with minimal suffering.  God, please, let my husband live a normal and healthy life until he's lived a very long life..like 90 years old or something along those lines.  God, don't do this to me.  How am I going to survive without my husband, the love of my life?  How can you do this to me and my children..how can you do this to Andy?  WHY???  We don't deserve this, God.
So, tonight, I'm going to try not to think about this too much or to allow myself to wallow in this self pity or fear or anger and sadness. I need my sleep... I have normal and mundane things to accomplish tomorrow.  We went out and bought a new refrigerator because the one here in this house that we are renting is a piece of shit.  It's leaking inside it and I refuse to have to take it apart and fix it.  So, we'll have ourselves a new one that will actually have room to put stuff in and have a decent sized freezer.  We have a decent warranty and repair plan on it so if something like leaking inside it happens, we can actually have someone who knows how to fix it, fix it.  I swear, this place is cursed.  It's been one thing after another.  So, tomorrow, I have to clean out this back room so we can store this stupid broken refrigerator.  Then I'm going to move Ben's toys into the living room, start packing the stuff we don't use on a daily basis for the move in a few months that we are forced to do.  I'm going to clean the area that was under and behind the refrigerator and pull out the stove next to it and clean there too.
When Andy comes home from the hospital we have to have cleaned this house from top to bottom to make sure there isn't any mold or mildew or fungus lurking anywhere and one of the overwhelming tasks for me...a person who hates to clean...is that I have to keep this house (or wherever else we are living) as clean as I can keep it.  Andy's immune system will be like newborn babies...or compromised is the word that is used a lot.  So the slightest mold spore can cause him to contract pneumonia or strep throat or some kind of GI upset and with a weak immune system it can take over his body and kill him.  See what I mean...so much to worry about.  We have a three year old and a kid in school and another who works in a grocery store.   We have to teach them all about washing hands all the time, using sanitizer, etc.  Too much..right now anyway.  I'm sure I'll get used to all this...the kids will and before you know it, it will be old hat.
So, I'm going to go to bed right now and read until my eyes cross and hope that I can sleep without too many dreams...been having a lot of anxiety dreams too.  On a positive note; I love my husband, I love my boy and girls and I love my Mom. Our cat and dog..Emily and Maggie..too.  All these beings..human and not...under one roof.  I'm grateful I have them in my life..sometimes that's hard to see, but I am.  I would not be me, I would not be here, without them.  :)