Is there such a thing as positive outcome to positive thinking? I read a book by Dr. Dwayne Dyer.."The Power of Intention" and I bought his book for inspiration called "10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace". I was really inspired to follow his instructions on how to get what you want in life. It's easier said than done though. I've always been a worrier. I don't recall a time when I haven't worried. I imagine the worst case scenario. Maybe to prepare myself for the worst? I don't know. I remember one time when I was walking somewhere. I was very deep in some kind of dark thought. I happened to be walking past this car dealership and this guy blurts out 'Smile!! You look so serious." It goes to show that I'm a deep, dark thought kind of gal if I let myself be. I can't begin to tell how many times I've had to drag myself out of those thoughts and imagine myself at a beautiful place. I love the mountains..the hills/dales and valleys..the lakes and ponds that pool in the natural bowls among all that. I spent my teenage years in Northampton, MA; growing up in the shadow of Mt. Tom and the nearby Mt. Holyoke. I loved waking up to that. When I moved away to go live with my mother in Connecticut; I always looked forward to coming back to that view; that picture if you will. It always filled me with a sense of peace and happiness. I also love going into the Berkshires; usually driving through on the Mohawk Trail just after my birthday in October, when the leaves are at their finest colors. Seeing the tower on top of Mt. Greylock and being totally amazed at all the 'hills' of that mountain range in Western Massachusetts. So, when I'm having a hard time, I think of those scenes..those hills. Andy and I have lived through a lot of adversity if you will in our short marriage. We've had the usual ups and downs but sometimes those downs feel like what must be the pits of hell. One thing we're fond of telling each other is 'we'll get through this'. It sucks that we've had to deal with death (my father, his father two years later) financial difficulty off and on through out the years (the worst being when we had no choice but to file for chapter 13 bankruptcy) miscarriage (the worst being when I had to give birth to our son when he died in utero at 20 wks gestation..the other two were at 5 and 8 wks but still heartbreaking) moving three times and now we are faced with another move in September. But, we've managed. It is what it is..deal and move on. This...MDS..however is different. At first, when we heard about it, we were alarmed, but I don't think it hit me, especially, until I started to research it. It's a life and death scenario if there ever was one. There's suffering involved in trying to cure it and even then there is not certainty that a person can be cured. It pisses me off, scares me and saddens me beyond I've ever been in my life. Even when we've dealt with our father's passing and the miscarriages; I don't think I was ever this mad, scared or sad. Add depression to that, too. And I'm not even the person who is sick!! I can imagine I'm not even touching what Andy must be going through in addition to the symptoms of his illness.
One of the many coordinators at Dana Farber has given us a notebook that has the three phases of dealing with Stem Cell Transplant. The BEFORE, the DURING and the AFTER stem cell transplant. (or bone marrow in other cases). All the stuff that has to be dealt with before, all that has to be dealt with during and after is so overwhelming. In my effort to prepare myself and Andy, too...I had to go and read this notebook. After I read it I was so sad, so depressed. The reality is grim. There is no false hope in there other than their saying...'take one day at a time'. Then Andy received this book in the mail from The MDS Foundation that he sent away for. It's called '100 Questions & Answers About Myelodysplastic Syndromes'. I read most of it that pertained to Andy's situation. There is hope that the stem cell transplant can cure Andy's disease...a small seed of hope, but hope nevertheless. After reading that, I felt a little bit better. But then, I'll think of this or that, that Andy has to endure and all that we have to do to prepare our home for his return and all that we have to do to change our ways to ensure that he doesn't get sick in the years following his transplant. It's going to be real hard to change our ways. But we have to do it real soon. I tend to get real tired and drag my feet when faced with a problem that feels overwhelming. Let me tell you, right now all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to face this anymore. I want everything to get better and stay better right NOW!! But that isn't going to happen. So, here's where the positive thinking comes into play. I have to find a way not to think so hard on the tough stuff and think more on the way I want this all to turn out. I want my husband well and to live into his later decades like we all imagine as we are growing up. 80, 90...that's okay...but in his mid 40's...no way...no frickin way!! I refuse to keep thinking he's going to die. So, I'm going to be there for him as he deals with all the aches, pains and illness of what he's about to go through and help him get better...help him help his body to heal and be cured from this awful disease. When I picture us..I'm going to picture us as old people sitting on our rockers on the front porch....cackling at what 'bastards' and assholes' are around us. :) I'm going to picture us sailing through this process with the most minimal side effects. He's going to be the exception to the rule. I think..in small hindsight...that the majority of what's written about MDS has to deal with the folks who are older..in their 70's and 80's..who get this disease and they are unable to get the stem cell transplants, etc. It's a very tough journey for most. While it is most certainly going to be a tough journey for Andy, myself and our family...we're going to get through this with flying colors!!! Damn straight snippy!!!
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