the mustard seed of hope...and faith..

It's been almost two months since we've been alerted to Andy's illness.  I don't think I'm adjusting so great.  I want to cry all the time now.  Well, not all the time..but a lot of the time.  It just hits me; like someone punching you in the stomach.  Painful and at the same time taking the wind out of you.  I'll be driving in the car or sitting here watching tv or reading a book...then all of a sudden I just feel all those feelings and my eyes tear up.  It's making me cranky, too.  It doesn't help that I'm PMSing..which normally has me feeling out of sorts and well, for lack of a better word..bitchy.  I don't think there was much anyone could do right yesterday.  I think I need to feel like there is hope that Andy will survive this ordeal.  I did read an article; I think it had to do with this cancer center out in Seattle somewhere and they claim that there is more hope for more than just a 20 month survival rate after transplant.  The problem that might contribute to this is that most of the statistics that are out there concern folks who are older and less likely to tolerate chemo and radiation treatments..getting complications from that and dying from that and the dreaded graft versus host disease.  A lot of older folk also have other underlying issues like heart disease or diabetes and that adds to the problem.  Chemo and radiation is a very difficult treatment to get through; it being so toxic to the body..including those pesky 'bad' cells.  So, the doctors don't necessarily offer transplant to them; putting them on meds and/or keep them from getting worse by offering blood transfusions..but after a while, the body starts to get tired of all that and the transfusions don't work anymore.  So, all that being out there, it looks like someone like Andy will be lucky to survive barely 2 years and during all that he'll be in a living hell.  That bothers me on so many levels.  How can all that justify living a living hell..how is that 'quality of life'?  Anyway..(mentally shaking head..)but...I think what might be real important here is that Andy is young and pretty healthy outside of this bone marrow disease.  That should allow him to deal with the chemo/radiation treatment with out any complications and to bounce back from the transplant; again without complications.  The biggest thing being the lack of his immune system and then his body rejecting the transplant cells.  If one of his sisters match him then there's less of a chance of that happening..the rejection.  So, we hold our breath for 100 days...and then we hold our breath and hope he never develops the GVHD.  If..and that's a big IF...he gets through the months and years following the transplant without any major complication, the statistics say it will be a miracle.  I did read that little blurb though...where they are actually seeing survival to 25 years now...there it is..the mustard seed of hope.  I think as mentioned above, that the statistics are with people who are older than 60...but if they start looking at younger patients..maybe the percentage of survival will be different.  So, I'm going to try my best to cling to my faith that all will be well again and that that mustard seed of hope will grow into a huge field of bushes. :)  Hope..a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. :)