Introspective...

Today I actually posted on Facebook that I found myself taking 'snapshots' of moments; no longer looking to see what an hour or tomorrow would bring but looking at what is now and committing it to memory.  The other day, I was standing next to Andy and I smelled his deodorant.  I like that scent.  It's clean and not overpowering.  Andy, in his usual considering way; stopped wearing aftershave or cologne while I was pregnant with Lauren in 1998 because the strong scent always had me gagging and eventually throwing up.  I have a sensitive sniffer as it is..but when I'm pregnant; it becomes bionic.  On a side note:  I remember laying in bed, sleeping and dreaming that I stepped in dog poo and I couldn't get it off my shoe and it was making me sick to my stomach.  In my dream I started to dry heave only to wake up dry heaving because Andy had farted!! :) LOL  That's how sensitive my nose was.  So, now that scent, the other day; I put it in my memory banks to treasure for all my time left on this earth.  No one knows when we are going to die.  I might die before Andy; he might die before me.  But regardless, I find that from now on I'll be taking those memory snapshots to bring out and treasure all over again time and time again.
I find myself thinking of how his hand feels in mine or how it feels to have his hand on my shoulder or how it feels when he massages my feet or my back.  He has what my mother calls 'carpenter hands'.  They are not huge hands but they aren't small either.  They are like square hands with sturdy and strong fingers.  He fools around and pokes me and I swear he has iron in those fingers; feeling the poke for many minutes afterwards.  He has gentle hands and hands that are comforting and at the same time help me feel secure.  Almost as if he's holding me and will never let go; protecting me.  I've watched him hug his daughters and son in a bear hug kind of way and hold them as if they are the most fragile butterfly wing on this earth.
His eyes, hidden behind his glasses.  When I met him for the first time, he was into wearing contacts even though they irritated them so badly.  But, that first time I met him, I was amazed by the kindness I saw there.  I am always amazed by how I see how people perceive him. Some people think him to be cold or off putting. I never once thought that of him and I think it's mostly because of what I saw in his eyes that first date with him.
His sense of humor.  Oh my..lol.  Some people just don't get it.  As a matter of fact, there are times where I don't get it. :)  He has a very dry and strange sense of humor.  He is a very logical man and I think it comes from his brain as well as his heart.  I'd cringe whenever I was in a doctors office or at the hospital for various reasons.  He would whip out that humor of his and I'd wonder if these people would get him or just think he was an ass.  I kind of always felt like I had to explain him to them just so that they wouldn't dislike him. I'm laughing as I type this; you really have to be there to understand. :)
Andy and I have grown up together.  Amazing since we met when I was 32 and he was 31.  We've had all these ups and downs that we've shared and grown and made stronger with, together, as a team.  I've never thought as myself as the strong one.  He's always had his hand in the middle of my back; figuratively and in reality, to help guide me and remind me that I was in it with him and not by myself.  Now, the tide has reversed itself and I find that I need to be there for him.  I wonder if I'm up for the challenge.  Since this whole thing started, I just don't know.  I've reminded him that he cannot die on me on several occasions.  Dying is not an option.  But, I don't want him to feel like he's failed me if we find ourselves facing that final door.  I just want him to fight.
I bought a book today: Lisa Niemi Swayze and Patrick Swayze: The Time of my Life.  The final book that they wrote before his death of pancreatic cancer.  I bought it in the hopes that it would give me some insight in how his wife handled his illness.  And death. (It's more from Mr. Swayze's point of view..he and his wife's love story than from his wife's point of view and how she handled his illness.  Although, she does write a little bit at the beginning of the book) I don't feel very grown up sometimes; since this whole thing started.  I feel very immature and I wonder if I'll be able to handle all the trials and tribulations that are ahead for Andy, our family and myself; with grace and maturity.  I look at people like Jackie Kennedy Onassis and how she looked so calm and dignified during the service for her husband.  I saw a woman on tv tonight who's husband died after he was given a heart to keep him alive and then she gave permission to have his face donated to another man so that he could have a face (which was burned off in an accident where he fell onto the electrified rail of a train or subway system).  She seemed so put together, so calm and like Jackie; dignified and mature even after all that she had to endure and in her grief she was able to help another man find more hope in his life.  I just want to be someone Andy can be proud to call his wife; someone he can lean on and depend on for all his needs..physically and emotionally and mentally.  I will strive for that.  I can't do any less because I love him with all my heart and soul.